KiraRavenLupin

It's been awhile since I wrote a journal entry or really uploaded much on here. Life's been a little rough lately. Husband and I moved and celebrated our one-year wedding anniversary in June, so that was nice. Good to have our own place now, but finances are a little strained, because I'm not able to work at the moment. My anti-depressants were in the process of stopping their working (which happens to me every three to seven years, it seems), so, I'm changing from one medication to another, and the withdrawal from the first one (even though I'm still on a little of it) is hellish. I get dizzy spells, flu-like symptoms (aches and pains, nausea, fatigue, etc.), migraines, and shakes (also called brain-zaps - it's when you have muscle spasms for no apparent reason, and they make me twitch all over). These things aren't good when you work as a dishwasher. I don't want to fall over or suddenly twitch and drop a bunch of plates or pass out in the sink or something, so it's best I don't go to work for the time being. Not that I particularly like my job as a dishwasher, but I like the place, the people, and the food, and it's money, so I feel bad for complaining. I may have to not go back to that job, though, as it's pretty stressful, and they were planning on cutting dishwasher hours, anyways. :/ 
I want to be able to contribute to rent or groceries or both, but I can't really do that with no income when I still have to pay for medications (insurance doesn't kick in until January 1, and, even then, I'll still have to pay like $10 per medication). Kind of want to go back to my old job at the photo lab, but I'm worried they won't take me back or they'll do the same thing they did before and not pay me on time/the agreed-upon wage. Not having a degree (and not having a way to get one) really cuts my options back, too. I know this sounds like I'm just griping about a bunch of stuff, but I kind of need to get out the concerns in my mind. It's all been driving me up a wall. 
At least, without working, I've had a little more time to focus on my art and writing. Some days, I do pretty well. Other days, I have zero motivation to do anything whatsoever. Most days are somewhere between those two. Seriously, f**k depression. So many people don't understand that mental illness can make you feel physically ill. I mean, it makes sense, mental illness is illness of the brain, and the brain is part of your body, so, why wouldn't it affect the rest of you? And why do people not take mental illness more seriously or not believe it exists? The brain is only the organ that, I don't know, CONTROLS EVERYTHING YOU FEEL, DO, AND ARE. It is, arguably, one of the most important organs for survival. I mean, you can say that about everything, but the brain LITERALLY controls the activity of ALL of the other organs through the nervous system. So, why is brain illness not considered more of an issue? I mean, I know there's more physical brain illnesses, like brain cancer, tumors, epilepsy, etc., but, just because something isn't visible, it doesn't mean that thing doesn't exist. So you can't see exactly which part of the brain is causing depression. That doesn't mean it's not real. My depression is genetic and the result of a chemical imbalance. Without anti-depressants, I don't have control of my serotonin levels. This means that the chemicals that help me feel happiness, joy, or just plain "feeling okay and not like everything is awful" are either inhibited or lacking. Without my anti-depressants, I literally cannot feel okay. Everything starts going into "end of the world" mode. My anxiety sky-rockets, which makes my stomach sick and my heart beat fast, and I end up having trouble breathing. I sometimes have panic attacks. The depression makes me not want to get out of bed, makes me sore all over, makes me even more sensitive to light and sound than I already am (thanks to autism - woohoo), gives me headaches/migraines, and makes me have intrusive thoughts (usually suicidal or about wanting to hurt myself or just about really dismal things in general). This thing, this grey, spongy flesh-bag in my skull, is responsible for my existing in a halfway normal state, and people think that an illness of this thing, an illness I can't control without help, is not a disability. They think my autism is a disability, because it makes it hard for me to socialize (because God forbid anyone act anything other than NORMAL) and makes me extremely sensitive to certain things, but autism honestly isn't so bad. The only reason autism is a struggle is because of everyone else's response to it, not me. Depression and anxiety are the things that are truly disabling to me. But disability services doesn't believe that, because "there are people with anxiety and depression who work here at disability services". Well, good for them! There are different levels of those things, and mine is pretty severe. I'm not belittling those whose anxiety and depression are more "high-functioning". The person who said that doesn't know what their co-workers go through on a daily basis, how they struggle, because it isn't noticeable to them. And, if others don't notice it, they write it off as nonexistent. Which justifies, in their minds, writing off all depression and anxiety as nonexistent or unimportant. 

I'm sorry for this long, aggravated journal entry. I'm just frustrated at the state of myself and the state of everything, really. I just want to be able to function without my brain going into self-destruct mode. Is that too much to ask? :sigh:

• 1:What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
  Well, that could be considered a very personal question, but I have done things I'd never done before, so, one of them was buying my own computer!
• 2:Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
  Pffft, I never really make New Year's Resolutions...
• 3:Did anyone close to you give birth?
  My cousin had a little girl! 
• 4:Did anyone close to you die?
  My dog Maggie. I lost her on the very first day of 2013. Other than her, not anyone exceptionally close, although one of my friends lost his mother in late September, and I liked her. She was a very nice, awesome woman, and very strong.
• 5:What countries did you visit?
  The only one I've ever visited, i.e., the one I live in......... 
• 6:What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
  
• My driver's license?
• 7:What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
   Well, not really any specific ones, I guess... 
• 8:What was your biggest achievement of the year?
  I got a job that I've actually managed to keep for more than three months and that actually pays! 
• 9:What was your biggest failure?
  Fainting in the middle of the pharmacy. Does that count as a failure?
• 10:Did you suffer illness or injury?
  See above. I fainted after receiving my flu shot (which is really unusual, as I'm not prone to fainting in the least, even in the presence of needles), then fainted again a week afterwards and bumped my head on the bed-frame and the floor. I still have an annoying little lump on my eyebrow from that, and I'll probably have it forever, knowing my luck. Turns out, those faints were caused by my having strep-throat (go figure), and a pretty bad case of it, too. Also, I somehow managed to staple my thumbs together at work, but it wasn't a seriously bad injury. More weird than anything else. Also, earlier in the year, I think, I had a sinus infection.
• 11:What was the best thing you bought?
  I don't really know. Probably the computer I mentioned back in the first question.
• 12:Whose behavior merited celebration?
  I'm not sure... My own, maybe? I've become a lot more friendly, possibly even a little more outgoing, than I used to be, and I can talk more easily to people than I used to.
• 13:Whose behavior made you appalled?
  The general human population's stupidity.
• 14:Where did most of your money go?
  Taxes, my bank accounts, and Christmas presents for my family, friends, and my boyfriend.
• 15:What did you get really, really, really excited about?
  Starting the job I'm at now... Going out with my boyfriend for the first time... And every time I see him... The "Doctor Who" 50th Anniversary Episode........ Etc. Lolz.
• 16:What song will always remind you of 2013?
  "Royal" by Lorde.
• 17:Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
  A: Happier B: Neither C: Richer, if not monetarily, then in friendship, love, and things that can't be measured physically
• 18:What do you wish you’d done more of?
  Art. Definitely art.
• 19:What do you wish you’d done less of?
  Worrying.
• 20:How did you spend Christmas?
  With my family and my boyfriend.
• 21:Did you fall in love in 2013?
  Yes!
• 22:What was your favorite TV program?
  "Doctor Who".
• 23:Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
  Hate is a strong word, but I ended up seeing someone for who they truly were and finding out that I didn't particularly like them since I found that out...
• 24:What was the best book you read?
  Probably the series, "The Mortal Instruments". That's right. I can't pick one best book. 
• 25:What was your greatest musical discovery?
  Probably "Imagine Dragons".
• 26:What did you want and get?
  Love.
• 27:What did you want and not get?
  The money that my sort-of part-time boss from my other job owes me for about one hundred hours of work...
• 28:What was your favorite film of this year?
  So far? Wolverine was pretty good. I've yet to see most of the movies I wanted to see when they were in the theaters.
• 29:What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
  My boyfriend has made things indescribably more wonderful and perfect in every way.
• 30:How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
  Not much different than it was in 2012........
• 31:What kept you sane?
  Wasn't sane in the first place.
• 32:Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
  Probably David Tennant, just because I love him as the Doctor. So. Freaking. Much.
• 33:What political issue stirred you the most?
  Most political issues stir me, and none of them in a good way. I get kind of mad about most of them, so I try not to think about them too much...
• 34:Who did you miss?
  Some of my online friends, and, of course, Kisala and :iconHimeAnnalikaLupin: Himes.
• 35:Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
  Life is full of surprises, and, sometimes, those surprises are actually quite good.
• 36:Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
• "Love will save the day........"